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Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Where's my black veil?

I was watching Oprah today and in counseling a woman who reminded me a little too much of myself, the therapist that was a guest on the show spoke about mourning the loss of a job. I couldn't help but nod my head. What I feel as I sit here and cruise job boards everyday feels like grief. Its like a part of me has died. Like most people, I have always had an idea of the type of person I wanted to be. It was only in the high stress moments that I would say, "who needs this job. I would kill to sit home and do whatever I wanted." Now that I have no other option, I have cemented what I've always known...I am not cut out to be a house wife. With every pointless shower I take and every dish I wash, I grow more and more annoyed. I mean, I'm all for cleanliness but it is frustrating to get up, shower and get dressed just to sit on the couch and surf the internet. Don't get me wrong, there are perks. I like my comfy, around the house attire (though I'm sure my husband longs to see me in something other than last summer's Old Navy sundresses) and I like that I have developed a little more talent in the kitchen (me cooking was a reason to plan for backup takeout or a healthy dose of pepto just a month ago) but its not what I feel I am meant to do. I am young, childless and stuck in the suburbs. I don't have a car because I, like most New Yorkers, used public transportation to commute to work. I signed up with a volunteer agency but then I realized that $15 a day to get into the city is quickly going to turn into something prohibitively expensive. My husband uses the car to get to work so during the day, its me, Food Network, Ellen, Oprah and my cat. Note that even my cat is starting to look at me like, "what are you doing here, besides interrupting my cat nap?!?!?" So, I'm trying to find me in all the silence and cooking but in the meantime, I am mourning. Since I haven't figured out the lesson in all of this or had an epiphany about what to do next, I am pulling down the metaphorical black veil, shutting down the computer and turining on the TV. Paula Deen is making grits toast with mushrooms...maybe its time for a southern menu. I have beat the mexican recipies to death. My husband (who like most people not from the south) hates grits. He should love this next taste tour...hell, at this point, its what I have in the pantry and its something new. I need a challenge.

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