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Thursday, April 23, 2009

Beauty in the Breakdown

I have been on a sort of self-imposed time out. My computer crashed and I lost what felt like the last 6 years of my life. It was having issues last week but I ran malware anti-virus and it came right back to life. Now everything is gone. Its useless. Luckily, I had backed up some things but the day that it happened, I had been so productive. I was 5 hours into a project when it gave me the "blue screen of death." Maybe you're familiar: Error! We are beginning a memory dump. Involuntary shut down never to fully restart. Well, I had a breakdown. And I don't mean I shed some tears. I mean a full on loud, soul shaking, shoulders heaving, gasping for air, sobbing breakdown. I was sad about the computer but it was just the icing on the bitter cake I've been eating for the last few months. I cried for how much time I spent in a job I hated and for how hateful people were to me in a job I sacrificed so much of myself for. I cried for all the doors that have closed in my face since I've been job hunting. I cried for the time I've missed with friends and for the hopeless way I feel in the worst economy I've ever known. I cried for the unknown and what will happen if my husband and I have to uproot the life we worked so hard to build. I cried for my health, which now seems to be veering away from remission. I cried for having to put children and house purchasing on hold. I know that's a lot, but I have only gotten misty eyed over this situation until this point. I am not a crier. I am a look forward to tomorrow because crying won't fix anything type of girl. But there I was, sobbing and wailing on my husband's shoulder and for once not caring if I looked weak. Finally, I stopped, blew my nose and went to bed. I logged on to my computer the next morning hoping that I'd dreamed the whole thing but I didn't. I pulled the covers over my head for a few hours and then went for a drive. There wasn't a moment when I wasn't on the verge of tears. Today, I stayed in bed until 5:00. Then I got up, took a shower and did some self-help reading. I did some cleaning and tried to clear my head. Now, after a couple of days under ground, listening to torrential rain storms outside, I am ready to turn my face to the sun once more. Like I said, I am not a breakdown type of girl but sometimes, even for those of us who try to remain "strong," there is beauty and necessity in the breakdown. It reminds us that we have feelings and sometimes- whether we are focused on bringing good things into our lives or not-we need to let it out. If nothing else, it brings closure and gets the bad feelings out...and makes room for new, happy times.

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