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Monday, May 18, 2009

Just Like That

I woke up this morning to the sound of my cat making friends with a manicure square. I have no idea if that is what it's really called but that is my name for the block that buffs on one side, shines on the next, files on another side and does something else. You get the point. Anyway, Storm (my cat) was busy pushing the block across the floor, pouncing on it and then licking it like it was her newborn kitten and the noise of it all broke me away from my sleep. 6:02. I rolled on to my side and looked through the small space between my purposely dark, heavy drapery panels (I like to sleep in sometimes and they help block the sunlight) to see that it was no longer dark. As I lay there trying to will myself back to sleep, I started to become aware of a change in my body. First, I noticed that my knee was warm and swollen. Next, I felt pain in my shoulder. Familiar with this pain, I performed my tried and true test and balled my hands into fists. The right hand couldn't quite obey. I got up to go to the bathroom where I could find real light without waking my husband and I saw that 2 of the fingers on my right hand are extremely swollen and tight. The fingertips are almost purple...and there it was. Just like that, life reminded me that I am not quite in control. This swelling and warmth are part of my personal hell. I am reminded this morning that I have lupus. Maybe the symptoms will just visit today and be gone tomorrow. This has happened a few times since I went into remission so maybe its just that. Maybe later today, I will feel fine and I'll be able to bend my fingers to type (which, as you can imagine is pretty critical, since I have started my new journey through life as a writer) but for now as I use my blackberry to type (my thumbs are working just fine...thanks for small favors), I can't help but to think of all the people, including me, who have seen life change in an instant. Just like that, we have to make new plans and exist in new realities. It's almost like the world shifts and shakes to constantly remind us to be flexible. So today, I'll bend a little to the left and keep focused on the one thing that doesn't change: my faith that all of this bending and adapting, adjusting and recovering is for a reason and will all work out for my good in the end. Maybe that's the real key to dealing with all of our issues. Be flexible when life doesn't go how you had hoped and be faithful that whatever trial you're experiencing is for your higher good.

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