Monday, May 25, 2009

Losing Control (again)

Lately, I've been having a recurring dream that someone is trying to break into my house. Last night I dreamed I was getting ready for my wedding and someone was breaking into my hotel room. The circumstances are always different but the robbers are always the same and they are always out to steal something from me no matter who else is around. So, being the research freak that I am, I went online to search for dream symbols. What I found was that these types of dreams represent financial insecurity or feelings of being emotionally or physically drained. If you've been following my blog, you know I've been fighting hard to release all of the feelings of insecurity that came with losing my job and instead focusing on hope for the goodness that is sure to come. Then I had these dreams and a bit of a wake up call.

I went to the doctor Tuesday and after we discussed how I was feeling and the probability that I was no longer in lupus remission, she asked if I was on vacation. I asked why and she said noted that my jeans were a dead giveaway. I couldn't bring myself to say that I didn't have a job anymore so I said I was taking some time off. In that moment, I realized that I have not moved on. I am still insecure about being out of work. I am still scared that at the end of the year when my savings run out that my husband and I will be forced to downgrade as we lose our townhouse. I also realize that I am still struggling with control issues. I can't control my job or my income so I control how clean my kitchen is and what we're eating for dinner. I write because I control the process (at least until I try to publish). I turned away from the legal job hunt (at least through the 10+ headhunters I've used) to control the amount of rejection coming into my life.

So, I've suffered a setback but at least I realize it. Admitting it is the first step, right? I have been spending the last few days sending out more resumes, writing and engaging in armchair philosophy with a great friend. I have concluded that the one thing I can count on is that things will rarely go according to plan and that strength and resilience comes from being able to bend rather than break. Maybe the best way to be prepared for the obstacles in my path is to maintain a sense of hope that I will get around the obstacles and hopefully be better for it. At least I'm finding myself and my true passions in the process. The same is true for the locally famous weatherman who is laid off and is forced to live on less money but is working his dream job as a veternarian and the woman who lost her thriving businesses but now feels empathy for the struggling families at the food bank...and for the former high powered attorney who is now forced to come to terms with how she took things for granted but now gets to focus on her passion for writing rather than he passion for a paycheck. Many of us are at a crossroads but perhaps we're becoming better for it. Nothing can be that bad about losing control when the trade off is becoming more empathetic, more united and more of ourselves. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

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