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Sunday, October 18, 2009

Acceptance and Faith

So...it has been a while and a lot has happened. I did not get either of the jobs that I was so confident about. I did however get a job. That's right. I am finally gainfully employed. After 10 months and a few weeks of making job searching my full time job, I finally have a job that pays, albeit not much. I am employed by a non-profit organization catering to abused women and children. I am not employed as an attorney but rather as an advocate. I am nervous about working in a new arena and more terrified about living on an eighth of my former salary BUT I am excited about seeing my life come full circle. I should explain...

Several years ago, when I was writing my admissions essay for law school, I had to answer the question: "Why do you want to go to law school?" It was easy for me to answer. I wanted to be a resource for abused women and children. I wanted to put abusers and rapists behind bars. I wanted to be a positive force in the lives of people who had been beaten down both physically and mentally. I wanted all of this because for a while in my childhood, I was a victim and in the midst of pressing charges, I realized that the laws and those advocating had a long way to go before they truly provided justice.

I went to law school. I tried my hand at this type of law and quickly learned that in family court, no one really wins. In abuse and rape cases, juries, judges and sometimes victims are jaded and defendants are usually let off with a slap on the wrist. After a clinic, I decided I didn't want to spend my career hovering between tears and anger so I went for the job with no emotion and a big paycheck. In that job, I quickly realized that I had traded empathy for hazing. I was still under stress but this time, it was based on wanting to please a boss that refused to be pleased. I still cried but it wasn't because I was feeling for a rape victim. It was because I got yelled at after spending all night writing a brief and improperly writing a citation. Then I lost my job and traded that stress for a new brand, which you have read about on this blog.

So, if I take a step back from my fears, I can see that God has put me in the place where I should have been years ago. Perhaps, I was supposed to push through my fears back when I first started working with abused women and children. I didn't so now I am not in a position to be a domestic violence/rape/child abuse attorney...but I will be in a position to learn once I start working. It is interesting how life comes full circle. I am grateful for a bigger plan and look forward to starting a new life. I will, of course, share the journey.

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