Monday, May 23, 2011

Full Circle Moment

I had drinks with a close friend this weekend. As we were catching up and talking about other friends she noted, "Everyone I know is so unhappy. It seems like everyone is struggling." I didn't think twice about agreeing with her. It wasn't until later that I thought, "I am pretty happy, actually." I wonder if I somehow give off a different impression. It's certainly not my intention to appear sad or miserable. I am anything but these days.

When I started this blog, I felt like I had lost a lot of myself by losing my job. It turns out that I just didn't have time to get to know myself that well between the 60+ hour work weeks and the struggle that came with battling an illness. After sitting on the couch moping for a long while, I somehow got my head together and found peace. Well, not exactly "somehow." I blogged, I prayed, I focused on the power of positive thinking. Since that time, my life has come almost full circle.

I used to work in BigLaw. Now I work for a company and my BigLaw firm works for me. I have been able to go to an awards gala and chat for 20 minutes with the person who made BigLaw a total nightmare without wanting to break a wine bottle over his head. In fact, somewhere in the conversation, I realized that I didn't have that nauseating, nervous feeling that I'd had every time I thought I might see him at events over the past 2 years. I make time for my passions. I am selling my gratitude bracelets (go way back to my blog entry from Monday, May 25, 2009) on Etsy. I still wear the green one and hubby wears the wooden one. I write like crazy (which is why the blog posts have gotten so infrequent) and I cook even more.

I finally got the opportunity to create the teen empowerment group I've been dreaming of for years and after a slow start, it is going really well. I started and have stuck to my year long Bible reading plan. I think I've gotten closer to God in that way but it has raised enough questions that I now approach spirituality in a different way. I make time to have a date or two with my husband every week and we eat dinner together most nights. I now make a conscious effort to find the positive side of things and my mom's zen like attitude doesn't seem so unattainable.

Sidebar: Reading back through what I just wrote, I could say to myself "Shut up Susie Sunshine. No one is that happy." It's likely true. I will readily admit that its not all blue skies and rainbows. I sometimes feel pulled in a million different directions, I am still in a great deal of debt, and while my health is much better, I am reminded often enough (and particularly when I am hooked up to an IV for 2 days of treatment) that I am not a healthy person.

Yet, if you asked me, I would say I am happy and looking forward to the future. I could list a lot of things that are wrong but I would rather say things have happened and continue to have ramifications in my daily life but the trials have undoubtedly made me into a better, happier, more self aware person. To me, that's the best that one can hope for. Now I just have to work on showing that to the outside world. After all, what good is finding happiness if you still look miserable?