Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Spiritual Growth Stall

In my effort to grow as a person, I pull from many different sources. Books on meditation, prayer, self help guides, open discussions, good cleansing cries, venting, music...all of it has been part of my routine at various points in my life.

I will confess that lately (the last week or so), I have been skipping meditation and devoting about five minutes a day to prayer. I've reverted back to checking e-mail before I get out of bed in the morning. The morning routine is spent thinking about my to do list and upcoming meetings. The commute is the same and I am even checking e-mails every time the traffic slows to crawl. I'm walking into the office with a million things on my mind and find myself overwhelmed at various points throughout the day. On the weekends, I find myself focusing on what is going wrong with my health and not on getting better. I am bratty and short with Hubby and our fur babies. I am conscious of it but finding it hard not to go there. I'm finding it harder and harder to find the place of peace that came to me so easily when I was meditating and praying/journaling every day.

With all of that on my mind, I woke up Sunday and virtually attended church at The Potter's House (read: I watched online). T.D. Jakes sermon hit home for me. It was about a lot of things but what stood out (besides my own shortcomings when it comes to prayer) was the message about how we really want everything quick, fast and in a hurry. We are hesitant to focus on meditation and prayer for extended periods of time because we are busy mentally rushing off to the next task or seeking entertainment. We often talk about not having enough hours in the day but will take an hour for a hair appointment, a meeting, a commute or a TV show. Most of us don't take an hour to pray or meditate. If we do, we find our thoughts wandering off and before we know it, we are checking the clock. Additionally, most of us have been trained that we should pray for things or solutions or alternatively to meditate with a focus on what we want (a la The Secret). We are looking for the genie in the magic lamp and not for our centered, at-ease selves. We are looking for a winning lottery ticket and a bigger house and not for how we can best fulfill out purpose on Earth. Ultimately, the message was that peace and anointing are "expensive." You will be pressed or tested with trials and tribulations but you can pray, study and meditate your way through it. You just have to take the time. Answers and peace don't come after 3 minute distracted snippets of time. The sermon hit home for me because there is a lot going on and I am trying to be present everyday and not get lost in the what ifs. That said, I have totally abandoned my focus on meditation and have thrown myself into work. I do pray but in the past two weeks, it's been in short distracted clips before bed and when I wake up. It hasn't helped me focus on my well-being at all and I've turned to work to drown out the world. I've been down this road before. I really don't want to go back there.

After listening to the sermon, I decided I was going to try to get back on a regular meditation schedule but also spend real time praying about my health. I also want to devote time each day to reading or listening to spiritual material (whether the Bible or otherwise) and journaling. With that in mind, I listened to a Joel Osteen sermon during my commute today. It just so happened that it was about taking the time to seek God rather than seeking stuff. Seeking the best way to serve and help others rather than seeking the bigger house and the better job. Seek the blessor not the blessing. Talking to God about everything and not just what you perceive to be the biggest things. This leads to a more peaceful state where we aren't constantly thinking we can control it all.

I've heard this message in so many forms over the last two weeks--all while I ignored it and spiraled down to my current pity-filled bratty state. I will say that I am going through some health issues this week that are preventing me from sleeping and that is not helping with focus, energy or temperament but there is still a need for an overarching change before I revert back to the woman I was when I started this blog. The universe has been screaming at me from every faith. For whatever reason, I wasn't ready to listen until Sunday (after being particularly short with Hubby over nothing). I listened and it opened my mind to hear everything in the sermon during my commute today. Ironically, it also fit in nicely with Sunday's sermon, which had already opened my mind to getting back on track. So, here I am again trying to re-focus but this time, I have a plan and some renewed motivation. I'm starting with my gratitude journal and resuming my read through the Bible in a year plan. I'm also going to start trying to work my way up to an hour a day of prayer and/or meditation starting with 15 minutes twice a day. Place of peace, here I come.    

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

How has the meditation been working out for you? Have you been able to set aside the time? I hope so! I think I'll have to try it too.