Saturday, June 16, 2012

A Life Out of Control But Where It Should Be

I won't say so little time because I've had a lot of time to reflect lately. But life has happened in a way that I couldn't have predicted so there has been no time to post. Even now, I am posting from a week long hospital stay. I went in to the doctor on Tuesday for a check up. We've been trying some different therapies for my lupus lately and it has led to a slew of side effects. Edema was a big one and it led to an infection in one foot that put me in the ER. Once I got to the ER, the impact of the edema on my pulmonary hypertension became the focus and several days and doctors later, I am still in the hospital.

On top of everything, my laptop and blackberry aren't cooperating so keeping up with day job has been an absolute impossibility. I was literally on the phone with IT for an hour and a half of Wednesday. After that, I had to give it up. There is something wrong with being out of breath, sweating, hooked to a heart monitor and an IV and trying to lean precariously across the room to put the phone on the charger and keep it all within a respectable volume to my co-tenant. Totally unbalanced and that is not what I'm working towards in life.

I gave up on the computer, asked for help and let the fact that I needed extra assistance roll off my back. We all need help sometimes and resigning myself to that helped my stress level quite a bit. Being in the hospital is never fun. I feel like the creature comforts, pets, family and a sense of normalcy would restore a lot to my life but in the meantime, now that the week has ended and I don't have a chance of getting discharged before Monday, I am taking time to play cards with my husband, read, meditate, and listen to a few "body mind connection" health videos.

I am also taking in the present moment. I have a 91-year old roommate with a storied life and one of the most beautiful spirits I will every have the fortune of coming into contact with. Her family is so polite and has helped me a lot through that curtain without even knowing. She is literally one of the kindest people and has a positive impact on everyone that passes through the room. I don't know her and there is a curtain between us but I feel like I am supposed to be exactly where I am. The immediate lesson in that has been that joy is contagious. It is a stress reliever and it grows. Before you know it, it expands and passes on to so many other people. It is a gift and we should all spend more time focused on joy and passing smiles and kind words on to other people.

I am also re-learning the lesson that I can't control my life. It is something that I struggle with quite a bit and to give up control of your body to medicines and labs and doctors isn't something that I relish. That said, it is my reality at the moment. Letting go of control of that is also something I've done this week. It's lesson after lesson requiring adjustment after adjustment over here. I'm trying to take it in stride and know that there is purpose in this that reaches beyond my current understanding. That said, I have faith that I will be looking back on this moment one day and maybe I will be the 91-year old woman in the room making people laugh.